Guarding Hearts (Living Again #3) Read online

  Guarding Hearts

  Copyright © LL Collins 2014

  All Rights Reserved

  Cover Design by Kari Ayasha at Cover to Cover Designs

  www.covertocoverdesigns.com

  Photography by Brad Olson at Brad Olson Photography

  www.bradolsonphotography.com

  Interior Design by Angela McLaurin, Fictional Formats

  https://www.facebook.com/FictionalFormats

  No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Contact Author LL Collins

  www.authorllcollins.com

  Twitter: @authorllcollins

  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/llcollinsauthor

  PROLOGUE

  CHAPTER 1

  CHAPTER 2

  CHAPTER 3

  CHAPTER 4

  CHAPTER 5

  CHAPTER 6

  CHAPTER 7

  CHAPTER 8

  CHAPTER 9

  CHAPTER 10

  CHAPTER 11

  CHAPTER 12

  CHAPTER 13

  CHAPTER 14

  CHAPTER 15

  CHAPTER 16

  CHAPTER 17

  CHAPTER 18

  CHAPTER 19

  CHAPTER 20

  CHAPTER 21

  CHAPTER 22

  CHAPTER 23

  CHAPTER 24

  CHAPTER 25

  CHAPTER 26

  CHAPTER 27

  CHAPTER 28

  EPILOGUE

  PLAYLIST FOR GUARDING HEARTS

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  AUTHOR NOTE

  This book is dedicated to my mom Krista, who has always and still to this day continues to tell everyone that I’m a genius. She’s the epitome of a bragging mother. She, of course, has now started using the same phrase to describe my two boys. Thanks for always believing in my dreams.

  He sat, still as stone, transfixed on the beady eyes of the judge that was about to deliver his fate. From his right he heard a small cry, and his gaze immediately swung from the judge to look at him. He didn’t look at Mandy. He couldn’t. The baby kicked his feet as she put a bottle in his mouth, and tears filled Ellis’ eyes without warning. He gripped the cheap suit he was wearing to keep from getting up and going to Mason. He wasn’t allowed to touch him. The fact that she brought him here today was just to torture him, to remind him again that he had royally screwed up.

  His eyes slid up to hers and he searched them for any sign that she might call this whole thing off. What he saw there was exactly what he predicted. She enjoyed every second of this. The small smirk playing on her lips made his gut clench. This wasn’t someone’s life to her, it was a game. She knew she was going to win and he would never see him again.

  “Ellis,” his attorney whispered from his other side. When Ellis didn’t respond, his gaze locked on the two people he knew he’d never see again after this day, he whispered it a little louder.

  Blinking his eyes, Ellis forced himself to look at the attorney that was probably fresh out of law school and being forced to help worthless trash like him. His mother wasn’t even here, but that wasn’t a surprise. She was off getting high somewhere. She could care less what happened to him. There was no one in this room that cared about him.

  “Keep your eyes off them, buddy. It’ll only make it worse.” Ellis didn’t know how this day could possibly get any worse. He knew he screwed up. It was the way he did things. What else could anyone expect when he grew up the bastard child of another screw up? But this time, he didn’t mean it. When he had ended up in juvie, he knew he deserved it and didn’t care. It was better than being at home. This time, though, he knew he would leave his heart in this courtroom today. He would never be the same again.

  Stealing one more glance over at the two of them, Ellis turned his attention back just as the judge started speaking. Taking a shaky breath, he wished he could crumple on the floor and cry, beg the judge not to do this, not to let her do this to him. But he was a man, and he couldn’t. He forced his eyes to the judge, squirming as the man delivered his fate.

  “In the case of Ellis Warner vs. Mandy Wright, to determine parental rights of the minor child, Mason Wright, I have come to a decision. There has been an overwhelming amount of evidence here, as well as testimony. Due to the past of the father, Ellis Warner, the lack of support he has, as well as the disturbing events that brought us to this point, it is my final decision that the best interest of this child is to remain with his mother. Ellis Warner, your parental rights are hereby terminated. You are to have no contact with Ms. Wright or your son in any capacity. It is as if they no longer exist on this earth. I would suggest that you get your life straight, son, and move on. You have a sentence to fulfill and some community service after that. You still have a chance at having a life, if you choose to turn it around. You’re only seventeen. Let this be a learning experience for you.”

  Ellis pressed his lips together so he didn’t cry, but his eyes filled with tears anyway. He knew that this was going to be the outcome, but hearing it made pain radiate throughout his body. He couldn’t help it; he had to look at Mandy again. One tear dripped down his cheek as his eyes met hers. She looked away quickly as Mason squirmed in her arms. Ellis looked at his baby boy for the last time. His dark hair, the same as his, his little chunky body. He knew that, behind his closed eyelids, his eyes matched his as well, green with blue in them. He would never know what would become of his son, and maybe that was for the best. Ellis knew he wasn’t any better than his deadbeat father, or his drug addicted mother. He was worthless. Mason would be better off without him.

  “Let’s go,” the bailiff announced from behind him, making him jump. He was going back to be locked up, but none of it mattered. He was dead inside anyway. Today was just the final blow. He looked over his shoulder one more time to see Mandy watching him, Mason asleep on her shoulder.

  Past…

  The officer opened the door, allowing him to pass. He was handcuffed with his hands together in the front. Another officer walked behind him until all three of them were in the room. It was cold, so cold. Ellis looked anywhere except where he knew he would be forced to look. He concentrated instead on the hands of the officer as he unlocked the cuffs.

  Shaking out his hands, the officer met his eyes. He saw sympathy in his eyes, and it angered him. He didn’t need anyone feeling sorry for him. He wanted to scream obscenities from the top of his lungs and tell her how much he hated her. He wanted to tell her all the things he never had the nerve to say. How if she had loved him, she would’ve never left him starving to death so she could take the last of her money to get high. She would’ve never slept for days, not caring if he went to school or had a bath or if he was even home or not. And she wouldn’t have brought countless men through their welfare-grade apartment so she could get her fix. Never once in his life did he remember her saying she loved him. But he wouldn’t give her the satisfaction.

  Of course, it was his fault. Because he existed, her life had gone to shit. She had told him that so many times, he could hear every syllable like she was standing right in front of him. She never wanted him, she was stuck with him. He looked just like his piece of shit father. And since he had been locked up, having walked right down the path his
mom had laid out for him, she had finally done it. This was it. He hadn’t been around to make sure she didn’t take too much, disappear for too long. Now, he was officially alone. He had no idea who his father was, only that he looked like him and had his last name. She had been estranged from her family for longer than Ellis had been alive, and he had no idea who they were, either. He was seventeen years old, and wished for nothing more than to be in this room with her. He was cold, dead inside anyway.

  Ellis looked up and noticed there was a man in the room with them. He found himself wondering if this guy had to do this often, show people their dead loved ones. Dead. His mother had been dead for a very long time. He remembered wishing for that often when he was a little boy, so that maybe he could have two parents that would adopt him, love him, like his friends at school. The ones that had nice, neat packed lunches with notes from their mom, had playdates, and sleepovers. He had no idea what that even meant, but he wished for it. He never felt guilty for that, because feeling guilt would mean that he felt something for her. She had never been a source of comfort or love for him, so that was a feeling he didn’t know. He alternated between hoping she would disappear and never come back to hoping one of his teachers would realize that no one took care of him. Unfortunately for him, his mother could put on a good front with people when she wanted to act like a doting mother.

  He thought he had found someone that loved him when he met Mandy. He had clutched onto her like a drowning man to a life preserver. For a while, their relationship had been everything he had lacked in his pathetic life. When he had found out she was pregnant, even though he was only sixteen years old, he had never been happier in his life. He was going to be a father, and would love that child the way he never was loved.

  Except it didn’t turn out that way. He was doomed to repeat the idiotic decisions of the only parental figure he had ever had, and just as fast as he had Mandy and Mason, they were gone and he was locked up in the juvenile detention center where he deserved to be.

  “Ready?” Officer Richards said gently. He had a soft spot for him, and Ellis had no idea why. Ellis rarely spoke and wouldn’t interact with anyone.

  Ellis looked at him and nodded once. What he wanted to say was, ‘let’s get this over with’, but he didn’t want to give these guys any insight into his head. Officer Richards led him closer to the man that was standing behind what must be his mother. She was in a simple casket, whatever the state provided for people who had no one who cared about them. He found himself wondering where she would end up being buried, but wouldn’t ask. The other officer, whatever his name was, stood at the door behind them. He guessed death wasn’t his thing. Join the club, buddy.

  The man standing behind his mother’s casket nodded at him and opened the lid. Ellis wanted to look away but he couldn’t. Never in his life had his mother been so—beautiful. She was dressed in a blue dress he knew wasn’t hers, and her brown hair was washed and combed nicely around her face. Her eyes were closed like she was sleeping, and the makeup on her face wasn’t smudged, days old, or garish. It was tasteful and elegant. Everything his mother wasn’t.

  His eyes raked back and forth, taking her in. He wanted to feel something, but all he felt was numb. He knew that no matter where he ended up after this, he was free of her. For the first time in his life, he wouldn’t have to be a parent to his own mother. He would never have to clean up vomit, hide in his room and plug his ears from the sounds of his mother with yet another man, or have fear gripping his heart as he tried to wake her up from yet another near overdose.

  He turned away, and Officer Richards watched him. He knew he was looking for any reaction, but he wasn’t going to get one from him. If they hadn’t made him come here to make sure it was her, he would’ve been okay with not ever seeing her.

  “Is that her?”

  Ellis nodded, and Officer Richards turned back to the man standing with his mother. “That’s her,” he confirmed for Ellis. “Come on, buddy. Let’s get you out of here.”

  Ellis allowed the officers to lead him out of the room and back to the awaiting transport van, his eyes watching his feet take one step at a time. He thought it was quite ironic that here he was, saying goodbye to his farce of a mother, while the person walking him down the hallway had just acted more parental than anyone he had ever had in his life.

  Present…

  Ellis stared at the date written on the board in the front of the room they used for debriefings and meetings. Andrew was talking, but all he could do was look at the date on the board. July 10th. He was thirteen today. His son Mason. Where was he now? Did he still look like him? Was he a good boy? Was Mandy married? Did she give Mason little brothers or sisters? He asked himself the same questions every year, but he would never know the answer to any of them.

  He dreaded this date every year. Even though he wasn’t the same man he had been thirteen years ago when he had become a father, there were some things that just didn’t heal, no matter how much you grew as a person. And every year on this day, he couldn’t stop the overwhelming feelings of grief from coming. Mason was his blood, and he wasn’t allowed to be around him ever again. He could never tell him that he was his father. It was like he never existed. And just like Ellis, Mason was growing up not knowing that he ever had a father that loved him.

  Everything in Ellis’ life was devoid of emotion, except when it came to Mason. He swore that he saw him everywhere. Every year, as he grew older, he would scan the faces of kids he came across, looking to see his son in one of them. He looked for his dark hair and light green-blue eyes. He looked for a mini him. But no matter how many times he did a double take, thinking it was him, he knew it wasn’t. Mandy left Miami not long after the court hearing, and she certainly wasn’t here in Sunset Beach.

  “Psst,” a voice in his ear broke through his thoughts and made him jump. He turned his face to see Devin watching him. “Where are you, man? You’re spaced out.”

  Ellis shook his head, forcing his eyes back to Andrew. “Sorry, just tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.” As much as he treasured Devin’s friendship, there were just some things better left alone.

  “So, I got an interesting call,” Andrew said. Ellis knew he had completely missed whatever he had been saying for the last several minutes, so he tried hard to focus.

  “Seems that we have a big country singer coming into our area for a concert and the head of her security team called earlier requesting additional security while she’s here. I guess she’s not only doing a couple concerts around Florida, but is also shooting a music video here on the beach. This isn’t a normal thing to ask guys like you to do, they would usually ask the police department, but her head of security and I go way back so he called me. If any of you have ever done security before, you know the money is usually good. In this case, the money is phenomenal.”

  “Why does she need extra security?” Devin spoke up, and Ellis nodded his head. He was thinking the same thing. Usually big singers had all of their entourage with them.

  “From what he said, she’s been harassed by some crazy stalker, and they’re worried that he’s escalating. Somehow, he keeps finding out where she is, and he’s been sending her some disturbing things. This security detail is for about a week while she’s in Florida. I’m not sure the exact schedule, but her shows will be at night and the video shoot will be during the day. You would also have to travel with her for a few additional stops around the state.”

  “Who is it?” one of the guys asked.

  “Her name is…” Andrew flipped a paper over. “Samantha Kerrigan.”

  Low murmurs started going through the room, but Ellis looked at Devin and shrugged. He had no idea who that was.

  “Since this is a favor to my buddy, if anyone is interested, I’ll work with you on your schedule here. If anyone wants to find out more information about it, come talk to me.” Andrew walked out the door, and the men all stood up, stretching their large bodies. Ellis was intrigued, that was for s
ure. He had visions of paying off his new car while also getting to ogle some hot singer. But country? Ugh. He wasn’t a country kind of guy.

  “I’m out,” Devin announced. “While the money would be great, I can’t chance being gone right before Rachel has the babies. What about you, El? You’re a perfect candidate for that.”

  “Yeah, thanks,” Ellis laughed. “Rub it in, that I have no one here to miss me. Speaking of, how are those babies?”

  “Coming soon, man. They’re growing like crazy. I swear if I didn’t work with you, I‘d never see you. Whatcha been doing? You’ve been spending time with Jessica, right?”

  “Yeah, we’ve been spending some time together. She’s a cool girl.”

  “But?” Devin asked. “That sounded like a but was coming.”

  Ellis sighed. He didn’t know what his problem was. He was very attracted to Jess. But, he was stalling. He didn’t know if he wanted to get involved with her any further. Not because she wasn’t a great person; she was. She had a great job, was kind, and beautiful. He knew it was just him. It was always him.

  “She’s a great girl…”

  Devin sat up quickly. “Oh no. That’s a line that a guy says when they’re going to say they aren’t interested. Next you’re going to say that it’s not her, it’s you, and that you just want to be friends.”

  Ellis laughed out loud, knowing that’s exactly what he was going to say. “I’m trying, Dev. I like spending time with her, but I’m just taking it one day at a time.” He couldn’t tell Devin that he wasn’t sure he would ever feel like loving again. He wasn’t sure his heart was capable of it. He saw Devin and Rachel, expecting twins almost any time now, and their friends Kayley and Ben with their three children and a new one on the way, and he felt jealousy. It wasn’t that he didn’t want it—he did. His heart, however, thought something completely different. No matter how hard he pushed that muscle to feel something, it just came up empty.